


Crank The Fool

by Anonymous



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Crack, M/M, cone!rat, crackhead!hanzo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-06
Updated: 2018-06-06
Packaged: 2019-05-19 00:35:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,498
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14863295
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Conerat City Collective Party or CCCP presents a melodrama.





	1. Hanzo's Hog

Hanzo gazed at the mysterious cowboy with his sultry crackhead eyes. “My name’s McCree but you can call me Daddy Deep Dick.” Hanzo slaps him. “Are you fucking white? Your fucking white?”

“At least i'm not a crackhead…” McCreep murmurs. Hanzo shook his head and took a big puff of crack. The tinny smell snaked up McCree’s nostrils like a … dragon (A/N:haha get it? Lol! XD)

“I’m sure we’ll meet again.” The soyboy (A/N:oops i meant cowboy) huffed, tilting his hat. “And I’ll have you jailed for crackhead crimes.”

“I’ll crank that fool.”


	2. A New Challenger Appears. Junkrat.

Junkrat is a tall man of crackhead composure. He emits confidence like his little remaining hair emits smoke. The neighborhood kids think he’s a stoner, but it turns out he’s just like that. Rumor has it he’s gay and everyone loves him for it. The boys call him bald pothead, but then men call him Yaoi Man. And he is a yaoi man. He also recently had his right nipple shaved off in a freak shaving accident. He took so long to recover from his injuries that he gave up on finding a job and decided that living in his friend Makoke (he snorts… well…)’s basement. 

Now he’s at a place and he’s got his dick out.

(A/N: HOWS THAT FOR A “CHAT FIC” THOT)

“Hewo evewyone.” Said a very sexy voice. “Ish meh! Jamison fawkes heehee >_<.”

Everyone looked around with a start. Junkrats penis was out, and blowing in the wind. “Woah,” Hanzo said. “Is that real?” “Yesh, weawwy big teehee.” Jamison Forks said. Hanzo looked very shocked but then perhaps intrigued? Markiplier was starting to get jealous...

(A/N: OMG SQUEE!!! >W< Mccree is getting jelly of his bf xD O_O)

That night, Hanzo found a letter pinned to his bedroom door. He read it outloud to Junkrat who had followed him to his room.

“Before I read this letter, can I ask why you followed me to my room Junkrat?” Hanzo asked. All Jamison did was give him a double-eye wink. Hanzo’s hog cranked instantly. Hanzo then turned to the letter. 

Dear Hanzo,   
I gthought we had something special. I thought you were going to crank my fool.   
But ir seems that was a lie?  
I can not forgive you. Fuck Jamison all you like but it will never ebe as good as my cranking   
From  
McCree

Hanzo was despondent. He began to spiral into depression, and spent all his days alone in his room eating joints and drinking bong water, supplied to him by an anonymous source.


	3. Rehab

“Brother please...im begging you to cut down on the crack, your addiction is making me think about balls all the time” genji cried, looking at hanzo with what was left of his eyes.

“Genji…” Hanzo put an sexy muscle arm on his brother’s shoulder. “It’s okay to be gay,”

Genji swatted his brother’s arm away, a disgusted look on his face.

His family were raised as strict Catholics, Genji couldn’t believe what he was hearing.

“It is NOT okay to be gay. And you’re going to hell.” Genji stood, dusting off his robes. “Now if you excuse me, I have a sermon to preach.” He stormed out of the room, a devilish aura taking his place. Hanzo was cold. His Catholic brother was gay and a fuckin twink, btu too much of an idiot to admit it.

A phone rang. It was Hanzo’s anon crack dealer. “Hmu in 10 mins. Not Jamison btw” Hanzo quickly sped to his car and bought the overpriced crack. He drove back to his house and found the room where Genji ran off to.

Hanzo snorted some crack off the plate mail of Genji’s suit of armour. “What are you talking about? I’m not addicted and can stop at any time.” His nose was bleeding.

Just then……. A handsome mankey appeared.

Winston. “Fark!” Hanzo gasped. “I-I have never seen such a handsome mankey before...tell me. What is your name?”

“My name is. Wangston.” The scientist bellowed. “Winston, you say? That name suits you…” Hanzo could not help but stare at Winston’s muscles, bulging through his tuxedo suit.

Winston was a powerful beast, a muscular beast. The sweat that lay in his thick, black fur was glistening under the moonlight that shone through the window of the Shimada household. He had eyes like a doe and slightly crusty eyelashes but a sight nonetheless. He was standing tall, proud, a smile on his sweet handsome face. He was wearing a very sensually cut tuxedo - a crop top shirt, showing his muscular, lean torso, and a pair of black thong with a banana on it that gently cupped his fat hog. He was gorgeous. Hanzo thought this to himself, but his face said everything that Winston needed to know. Also he was ace.

“Hanzo,” Winston straightened his thong. “I am not your painting to be gawked at. I know I am sexy. I’ve been told this numerous times.” He slapped his own mankey ass. “But you have to work hard to get this.”

“H-how do I …” But Hanzo already knew he’d need a phD to get with all that. He hung (his hog) his head in shame. He only knew how to read the words from McCree’s letter and that was it. Also he knew how to read CaeJose yaoi doujinshi but only one. And it. Was. Sexy. (A/N: Does he have a link?) (A/N: No he doesn’t. It’s private.) (A/N: I'll kill myself then.) (A/N: Good.)

Winston smirked. He liked to be wanted. It thrilled him, deep in the pit of his thick, muscular stomach. “I think you know what you have to do, Hanso.”

“It’s Hanzo.” Said Hanzo.

“Whatever.” Said Winston. “Like I give a banana.”

Hanzo cried, quietly, thinking Winston didn’t see. But He did. Winston chortled at him.

Genji stood there, forgotten. “Will anyone tell me why my brother is attracted to a mankey?” Genji sniveled. Suddenly his master showed up next to him.

**ROSE IS PINK DIAMOND AND STEVEN HAS A KNIFE**

Xanyatta said “Shut the fuck up Genji.” and shoved 3 Xans down his throat. Lil Genji. Was. so. High. Ohhhhh fuuckk..

Genji received a message from his good ol friend Hanzo. He checked his phone it said “whooops ehhehh didn know this was onn eheEHHH FUCkkk whats P OP PP IN G AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUU ……….WoooOoOW its lit in here huhhh huhu mmwwahhh FUUUUCKCKKK ITS HOT AS FUCK IN HERE take the hoodie off Nahhhhh keep it on its cute as fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck nah but 4 real shout out .. shout out … FOLLOWERS AHAAAAAHH ……………………… doing a shout out for .. if ur following it aaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUAUAU fuck… cant wait to meet up … peace …. aa .. a a .. a”

“Fuck i dont know what did he mean by this” said Genji putting his phone back in his tight robot ass. He went back to his Xans.

“God’s gonna hate this…” Genji murmured highly.

“What is God to a non-believer?” whispered Xanyatta.

“Bro,” Genji asked still very high and stoned. “What if I said the n words”

“Are you black?” Xanyatta asked

“No but my girlfriend Angela is. She‘s going through a race change to black she’s technically black.....” Genji bargained.

“Okay but make sure black people don’t hear it.” Xens popped another xans and then realized he’s a robot and can’t get high. He’d been lied to his whole life. Suddenly, he felt his existence had no meaning.

“Too late :(“ gengi said before passing out from the pure pelesure of xans.

Doomfist killed Xanyatta and took all the drugs to give to his eugenics patients. Genji became woke and got on his knees and prayed one last time.

“Lord,” he choked, tears streaming down his fluffy pink cheeks. “I said I wasn’t gay. I said I love you most.” He wiped his sparkly uke eyes.

“But Lord knows… if Xens wasn’t dead… I’d. Smash.” He passed out again and this time he had a boner. But for a man....


	4. It's me, Yaoi.

Yaoi “yaoi sonic” sonic the hedgehog shows up. He’s wearing a very cool baseball cap and has his nipples on show. His hair is combed into a really cool goku-style. He’s smirking and his vampire fangs look dope as hell. He also is lifting a cool weight and says “It’s yaoi time.” Time stops when he says this. He moves forward and puts a cigar between Winston’s lips. Then he restarts time. Winston sputters! He knows smoking is bad for you! He has a PHD!

“So, Wangston is it?” Yaoi purrs. “You're looking ever so charming. 

“What the hell?” Hanzo says. He’s been forgotten, just like Genji was. “How could this be? I was just about to that mankey dick! Oh...but then yaoi the sonic hedgehog has to appear!” Hanzo drops to his knees, tears flowing out of his eyes. “Oh, if I only I had some more crack…” Hanzo whispered.

(A/N: Can I get a RIP in the chat boys??? )

Then Mercedes appeared with HUGE badonkers, a bad spray tan, and she was wearing a cop uniform with a “Blue Lives Matter” pin. “You crackheads are going to jail!” Hanzo noticed that Mercy’s gangadonkers were getting bigger by the minute, filling with breastmilk. It would eventually envelope the entire room. 

Mercedes tits flopped around as she took out her steel cuffs from out her lacey black bra that cupped her large milk bags oh so sweetly.

So like what if amongst all the chaos Yaoi the sonic “yaoi hedgehog” hedgehog was cranking his hog? This is what Hanzo thought to himself. Then he turned and realised… his thoughts… they came true. Good God. He thought. Then blushed. He couldn’t believe he’d blasphemed like that. Hanzo was a devout catholic and he took his religion very seriously. If God heard what he’d done… Oh God… NO HE DID IT AGAIN. If Hanzo didn’;t get into heaven… He’d be so embarrassed. If he showed up to Hell and Genji was there waiting for him to make fun of him. Can you imagine? Oh nooooooooooooooooo.

“How many hogs have you cranked in your life, Yaoi the hedgehog?” Said Hanzo.

“How many breads have you eaten :D” siad Yaoi.

Then Mercedes arrested them all and put them in gay baby gail. Mercedes boobies have grown twice the size since she came into the room. 

But they weren't in there long before doomfist used his newly found xan power to bust them out with his raw seme energy. “I'm going to go fuck a frog now, you all owe me one.” he then left to go dick down a certain dreadhead dj while he still had the high. 

(A/N: doomcio anypony?? SQUEEEEE uwu)

Due to Doomfist’s interference, Mercedes badadonkers were popped. Milk was everywhere. No one cared though. Hanzo was licking up the milk. Mccree watched him.

“Where's the toilet?” Said Mccree. He couldn’t stomach watching Hanzo licking up someone elses milk. If it were his, well...Mccree decided he needed to go to the toilet immediately now.

Mccree went to shit but when he got there there was an old man sat on the toilet. His name was Jean Valjean. He laughed. “Oh, you wanted to shit, did you?” He said.

Mcree gawped. “Yas?” He said allosexually.

“Well that’s not going to happen is it.” He replied. 

“Why not?”

“I’m waiting for someone. “ Valjean smirked

“WHO?” Cried McCree, shitting a bit.

Valjean grinned. “My boy friend.” he said. “Javert.”

“You know,” Stannis began, “you remind me of someone I know and suck every day.”

“Do I?” Valjean pissed. “Who might that be?”

“His name is Davos and I chopped all his fingers off on his right hand. He still cranks me every day it’s not too difficult to learn after losing your digits.”

“Does he ever………………………………. Fist you, Stannis?” Valjean asked.

“For hours.” Stannis replied curtly, wiping his ass. Valjean noted that he didn’t wipe his ass nearly as long as he should have. Crusty Brit… He regarded silently. He also noted that Stannis left the bathroom without washing his hands. Filthy....

“Wait.” Valjean snapped up. “Isn’t this a McHanzo fic?” McCree, who had taken to shitting out the window since both stalls were taken, perked up at the mention of his OTP.

“What if Stannis had a stand would it be a Standis?” shup up Said Mccree who was listening the whole time.

“Hey everypony whats going on” exclaimed mink as he sauntered into the room.


	5. Jamison Returns. Bro where did he go

Junkrat enters the room. (A/N:I WILL CONTINUE THIS FANFIC. EVEN IF NO ONE ELSE DOES.) (A/N: OK YOU ARE SO VALID (TY))”Hanzo? What are you doing? Stop licking up milk off the floor! Whose milk is on the floor anyway!?” Junkrat cried. Hanzo heard him, but he didn’t care for his cokedeal- I mean other boyfriend. He had to drink all this titty milk up. Junkrat grabbed Hanzo’s shoulders, “You gotta stop, man! I’ll give you MY titty milk if it’ll make you stop!” Surprisingly, it worked. “You have...titty milk?” Hanzo whispered. “Yesh,” Junkrat said sensually.

“...Let’s go.” Hanzo gets his stuff and drives home with Junkrat.

The ride to Junkrat’s place was eerily quiet. The only boise in his beat up car was poot lobato playing through the sbeakers. They eventually reached his place, which was a shithole apartment.

Junkrat led Hanzo to the scorched front door and unlocked it. Then his entire demeanor seemingly changed. “DADDY I BWOUGHT US A FWIEND!!”

There, in the hallway, was Roadhog. He had a “Meninism is real” shirt on, but ONLY that shirt. (A/N:Squee!!)

“I'll get the traffic cone ready” the burly man said, his deep voice almost a whisper.

Handsoap was confused. Who said anything about a cone?

**END PART 1**

a

**Kurt Lesbain**

**GENDO MODE.**

**YESSSSSSS**

 

And then the whole bus gave a lol and a shart.

 

Hamilton: you are sexy hanzo

Anybody suck toes in this thread?

I cant eat i cant shit i cant piss i cant fart i cant drink i cant sleep i cant nut i cant

 

T

 

Can I _PLEASE_ get a waffle?

 

Chapter ???: azura goes insane

  
  


die/ all of you. Die why are you suicide baiting a mentally ill minor  
GUYS I LITERALLY

 

I have die of beat es youre not

 

HAVE IBS. I CANT STOP CRYIGN,,,...,.//,

 

IM SPERM NOT YET EJACULATED

US FEET SU

**IM WINSTTON AND I WORK AT APPLEBEES. IM A LINE COOK IF YOU WANT A JOB HIT ME UP. I MAKE 7.50 AN HOUR AND I CAN GET YOU THE BUSSING JOB YOUVE ALWAYS DREAMED OF MY BOSS’S NAME HIS HANZO HE’S NICE. 8=D~ HE NEVER STABS ME. DONT PUT A PENNIS IN HERE IM TRYING TO GET YOU ALL EMPLOYRED- Taylor Swift.**

bernie i thought we would save the world

 

Im sorry but bernie cant save the world. He was busy kung fu fighting. Everybody was… Kung Fu Fighting…..

**Kung**

**pow**

**penis**


End file.
